The Edge [of all] Journeys

I’m not sure if there’s a normal way for songwriters to say, “I wrote this song when…” or “…because…” or “…while…” but as I’m sure many others have experienced, this song just sort of spilled out of me in the late winter of early 2009. It was around the same time we were writing preparatory entries on this blog like 6 weeks and counting… and Clarity…

We were about to leave EVERYTHING we knew behind – including an entire way of life – and reach for something we had never done before nor knew how to do. But we knew we were supposed to even if we couldn’t yet see all the hows. In the same way that those moments became paradigms of our entire lives, this song was birthed in an original super rough “live” 1-track recording I made inside our camper that was about to become our only home for years. It was terrifying and exciting and we knew that if Yah didn’t lead and provide, we’d be lost.

Now, almost 17 years later it is quite an experience to look back at all of that and produce this polished version with the testimony that every word came true and continues to be just as true today.

It’s hard to believe, but I am finally releasing an album of songs that I’ve written over the past 20 years! There’s a lot more backstory here that may one day get added… I need to write up the story of each individual song as part of the overall Testimony record. Ah the never ending projects that need to be! But for now, this major milestone will have to tolerate an all too inadequate announcement blurb here. The album will be out tomorrow (Dec 3, 2025) on all the major music platforms.

Here’s the spotify link:
https://open.spotify.com/album/28BelavfBXW6tVGFxW9vfw

Let me know what you think!
edgelore@theedgeofall.com

“If I ever get rich I’m going to sell my money.”

(age 5)

[while watching a clip of the original 1965 version of Lost in Space]

“if i showed this to my kids, they would puke”

(age 13)

The strong, virtuous woman trusts in the refuge of her Rock (Yahushua the King Messiah).

Well, I was too slow, and the telling of our adventurous journey from Colorado back to Canada has been quite completely upstaged by the birth of our daughter Kylie. This post is hard for me to write because so many thoughts are trying to be put down all at once. So, let me work on it methodically.

3 Days ago (December 1, 2017) at 3:42 pm our 4th daughter and 8th child Kylie was born at home near Winkler, MB in the house of dear friends where they raised ten children themselves. She was 8 lbs 10 oz and 21 inches long. The raw essence of every detail of this pregnancy and birth-journey is captured in Kylie’s name – both as a testimony to Yah’s faithfulness throughout the process, and Renee’s diligent strength, as well as Kylie’s identity and destiny.

With each pregnancy we’ve had various levels of confidence about the gender of the baby growing inside Renee. Some we knew ahead of time from the ultrasound. Some we had a very strong notion (like with Joy who was the promised girl arriving later than we thought after Jaiden surprised us by being a boy). And with others we had no idea. Kylie was unique in that, not only did we lack all sense of who she might be, but we also had no consensus on name candidates for boys or girls. We had name ideas, but nothing that felt right – nothing that resonated spiritually with the life YHWH had knit in Renee’s womb.

Other new factors with this pregnancy were the additional concerns of higher risk with Renee’s age (the medical community is a little confused and thinks Renee is getting older for some reason), the fact that she was carrying Kylie in a breech position, and abnormal antibodies present in her repeated blood work which meant baby’s blood was mingling with hers. The breech factor was particularly bothersome because we really wanted to have another home birth and if Renee went into labor with Kylie breech, our midwife could not attend us at home. On top of that, they wouldn’t even deliver at the hospital near our friends. We’d have to relocate to the Winnipeg hospital over an hour away… not a fun idea while in labor.

We also had an initial 5-hour drive to our friends’ house to factor in. They live in the same area as our midwife and had graciously and excitedly agreed with the idea of us spending a few days here around the due date. But planning the timing was going to be a little like jumping out of a plane with only a rough map of the landing zone and hoping the winds were favorable for touching down in the right spot. Should we wait until labor started (great thing we DIDN’T do that in retrospect)? Do we pick a date and be there way too early? All those kinds of questions were in play.

So, about a week before the due date, with the impending necessity of finding a name in the background of our brains, and wanting it to be connected with the core theme of trusting Yah with all the details (including logistics, timing, breech, age, risk factors, travel, antibodies, etc.) I came across Psalm 18:2:

YHWH is my ROCK and my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my ROCK and I take refuge in Him; My shield and the horn of my salvation (yeshua), and my high tower.

I would have likely just breezed past this verse normally, but it perfectly resonated with the experience of our need in this season, which stirred additional curiosity. I wondered – why was ROCK repeated twice, and what was the Hebrew word behind it? I’ve often found the Scriptures to use repetition when something is being emphasized and/or hinting at a deeper meaning. I was surprised to discover that although the translators used the same word “ROCK” twice, there were actually 2 different Hebrew words behind them. One of those was:

Selah – literally or figuratively a ROCK, a fortress, a stronghold

Up until then I had only thought of “selah” in the musical sense found throughout the Psalms which indicates a pause for meditation or pondering. These two variants of the root have a different last letter. The musical pause “selah” is SLH whereas the rock and fortress “selah” is SLA – the final ayin (A) having the thematic meaning of eye or “to see” which makes sense because a ROCK and it’s defense and deliverance is something that is witnessed. Kylie is a witness to her Creator.

Then, a day or two later I was reading Proverbs 31 again as it happened to fall into my reading schedule with a new translation, and I read verse 10 with eyes that were constantly, subconsciously searching for name ideas: “Who can find a virtuous woman?” Hmmm, I thought, I wonder what the Hebrew word for “virtuous” is in this case. I was floored to discover it was one of my favorite Hebrew words of all time:

Khayil – a force whether of human or supernatural means, an army, virtue, valor, STRENGTH, able, activity, valiant, worthy.

In fact, this word was the original basis for a character’s name in a series of books I’ve been slowly writing for nearly 25 years now. And with the Hebrew word for “woman” / “wife” in that verse being “isha” (“eesha”) I immediately knew in my spirit – if we were having a girl, her name was Kyliesha (“Kylie” for short). When I presented the idea to everyone else it was it was unanimous (a rare thing in a family of 9). Everyone loved it. And a sense of peace settled into me that we had finally stumbled upon the first truly accurate name-reflection of who this little unborn person was to be… and with that sense of identity I tried coming up with a couple boy variations on the same theme, but I was almost completely convinced from that point forward that it was going to be a girl.

With the strong potential for a complicated breech birth, Renee diligently learned and applied new stretches and exercises to help adjust her body and turn Kylie. She was trusting Yah, but also doing everything she could to act on that belief.

As for the timing… Renee and I both separately asked Father to give us a birth date so that we could plan our drive down to our friends. She got Dec 2 and I got Dec 5 (with a low degree of self-confidence whether or not I was hearing clearly or just making something up in my own mind). Dec 11 was the full 40-week count from conception, but the due date calculator (also based on the conception date) said the due date was Nov 30. So, we had a few data points to work with and decided that the right course of action would be to drive down on Nov 30 (unless labor started sooner of course). We also debated whether or not to just stay put and have the baby in our own home. But in asking Father about that, we felt with great confidence that He wanted the bigger story to include the time with our friends.

As it turned out, that ended up meaning we got to meet another dear sister in the area who came over for Shabbat for the first time in two years since having known our friends from a previous church, which was really special. But I digress.

The rest unfolded like miraculous clockwork:

• We drove down in (relatively) warm and sunny weather on Thurs Nov 30th (the official due date). Some contraction activity started during the trip and I made sure to take the bumpiest gravel-road route for the last 10 miles.
• We settled in with our friends at their house and had a wonderful meal and time of catching up together.
• After a profound, restful sleep (everyone in the house – even out friends – reported sleeping better than they had for a really long time), Renee’s water broke at 8:30am. It doesn’t get much more precise than that 🙂 Thank you Abba!
• There wasn’t really any contraction activity at that point, but after Renee finished leaking we headed out for our ultrasound appointment at 10:15am to go confirm Kylie was head down (and maybe see if we could tell for sure that she was a she). At that point the breech status was still in question (but we knew she was going to be head down, and the chiropractor Renee had visited on Tues had said as much too).
• More bumpy roads, the ultrasound-revealed position was perfect (although we couldn’t catch a glimpse of the gender), and our midwife wanted to run a non-stress test while we were at the hospital just to make sure everything was good; especially since there had been a little meconium in Renee’s water. Vitals were perfect.
• We spent a couple hours doing errands including picking up some new sweet games for the kids from an amazing hobby store.
• Renee was having regular contractions at this point and Cara (our midwife) said to let her know when they were consistently 4 minutes apart.
• We headed back just before 2pm and as we were pulling up to the house the contractions had been settling in to every 4 minutes.
• We sat down for some lunch and Renee almost finished a bowl of “Kate’s Chicken Noodle Delight” soup while the contractions increased intensity before finally having to retire to upstairs around 2:15pm.
• I called Cara and she was on her way. Later we learned that en route Cara had called the other midwives to come (because she’s not allowed to attend a home birth by herself). When she told one of the other midwives about the meconium in Renee’s water, the other midwife said that she wouldn’t come here and that “they need to go to the hospital” for the delivery. So, Cara was actually planning to let us know we had to move to the hospital for the rest of the labor and delivery.
• In the meantime, Renee transitioned from the medium hard part of labor to the hard hard part and the contractions were coming on top of each other and getting longer. She asked me to keep praying because she did not at all feel mentally ready for this. With all our previous experiences, each stage of difficulty had gradually progressed into the next so that getting through the levels helped mentally tackle the next ones. And, at that point, we still thought we had a long way to go in terms of total time.
• In addition to asking Father to fill Renee with strength and energy, I asked Him to accelerate the process and allow us to go into Shabbat with the baby born and entering into His rest with us.
• Cara arrived around 2:30pm and after checking Kylie’s heart rate (which was great) and evaluating Renee’s progression, she started setting up.
• While she was setting up, Renee hit the shaking and moaning phase … the hard hard hard intense hard hard hard stage and Cara decided she had better call the other midwives and tell them to come here anyway – there would not be time to make it to the hospital.
• About an hour later I was catching Kyliesha Selah and Renee’s mom arrived very shortly after that.
• We watched the epic Sabbath-starting sunset from our upstairs room window and held a miracle in our arms.

We couldn’t have planned it better ourselves. YHWH had all the details orchestrated and in motion, and Kylie gave Zach a run for his money on his record for fastest birth. It might have been a tie. Or maybe Kylie edged him out for the title. In any case, this home has been a refuge of peace for us. It has been a blessing to share the experience with our friends and to enjoy their fellowship.

Renee has been healing well and resting. The biggest difficulty so far (aside from the math related to 1 baby and 7 siblings who all want to hold her at the same time) has been Kylie’s extremely tight lip-tie. It has made nursing her extremely painful for Renee. One option would be to have it cut (which is apparently something they do frequently around here). But 1 hospital visit was enough, and more importantly we felt no peace about force-altering the way YHWH made her. If Kylie wasn’t able to nurse at all, or not getting enough, we’d be seriously considering that option. But in our case, Father has provided an electric breastpump that we can borrow and a soft shield that helps dramatically reduce the pain for Renee. We’re confident Kylie’s lip-tie is going to naturally grow and stretch and become a non-issue.

It was once again such an incalculable blessing to have the whole family in one place – the same place that the birth was happening. Joy and Ellie got to observe the whole thing and meet their baby sister first hand, seconds after she drew her first breath. Joy was a hurricane of delight and excitement – I don’t know how the stairs survived – as she stormed down them shouting “It’s a girl! It’s a girl! It’s a girl!” When Joy introduced herself to her new sister, Kylie looked at her with big bright eyes and cooed intently and wisely back at her. She hardly seems like a newborn. We’re already noticing she’s an amazing and peaceful communicator. She recognizes all our voices and listens intently. Even her crying is filled with meaning; not just “i want something” or “i don’t like something” but it carries tones and inflection and deeper senses of communication in a way that none of our other 7 had (at least that we remember).

I had mentally remembered but emotionally forgotten how awe-inspiring and life-giving it is to hold and snuggle and watch over such a little beautiful one. Right now, she is sleeping peacefully amidst a constant background of the noise and activity of the big brothers who will defend and protect her and the big sisters who will tend and spoil her. Many many thanks and blessings to the Elias family for their generous hospitality and joyful help and participation in this part of our journey. YHWH is GOOD. Blessed be His Name for ever and ever.

Despite the pretty substantial anchor we dropped here in Winnipegosis, Manitoba, Canada a few years ago, we have still made several epic journeys since then which should have charged enough inspiration to merit their own posts on this blog even though many of them were solo or in smaller conflagrations than our former 9-barrel shotgun happy wagon (which, come November is going to be an upgraded 10-barrel beauty if you’re following my metaphors).

For example, my winter mini-journey in Dec 2013 to and from my old stomping grounds in Minot, ND flying out from and back into the airport there for Never Settle’s visit to Creative Trust (a client at the time) in Nashville, TN with a blessed overnight layover in Colorado on the way back. However, after sitting a few days parked at the airport in weather that had turned typical Minot December since I had left, the suburban’s batteries were dead and diesel fuel was gelled or maybe frozen solid. On a Friday night, Father provided a mini-miracle connection to a guy with a big rig shop who was able to thaw me out in a couple hours and get me on the road.

There have of course been the annual micro-trips for summer camping, fall survival weekend with Bennah in cadets for 3 years, winter ski trips (yes, Manitoba has skiing… sort of), and various Biblical Festival celebrations in different parts of Manitoba and Saskatchewan.

Then there was July of 2015 which was straight crazy fun. Bennah and I went out to California, and while he was at camp Messiah West Coast I was staying at a nearby Bed & Breakfast, working remotely from there, and making forays (well 1 anyway) into Yosemite to scratch my photographer’s itch.

Flying back to Canada through the Calgary port of entry was memorable because it was my first entry into Canada that made my permanent resident status official. As if that didn’t comprise enough miles, Reayah, Joy and I hit the road right after that (still July) and drove to Colorado for Jonathan and Alexandra’s betrothal, which was an amazing time.

(photo by Ross Folkers)

Then Oct 2015 brought me back to Colorado for our Never Settle company retreat at Revel, and afterwards driving home from the Winnipeg airport, which is a 5 hour trek, the suburban finally told me it was officially done for a while when I had to stop 3 times along the way to add a full container of coolant each time.

BUT, we still had 1 more all family trip to make to and from Colorado before 2015 was over for Jonathan and Alexandra’s wedding in December. So, we piled into another diesel suburban almost identical to ours, which our dear friends in town had recently bought and graciously loaned to us, and to thank them we donated a good chunk of miles to their odometer. That trip was fraught with adventure and wonderful family times.

With the suburban torn apart in our garage so I could replace the head gaskets (presumably the cause of the magical disappearing coolant) Father provided a good deal on a 15-passenger Chevy Express van in Feb 2016, which became our new family-mobile. We had been wanting a van for a while, and finally having one meant we had enough seats for more children even with the rear bench pulled out for extra cargo space. We were no longer limited by the maxed out suburban, which was a handy peace of mind about a year later when Renee started her 8th pregnancy (due end of Nov 2017). Renee still credits the decision to have one more with being at a close friend’s home a few months ago right after she had self-delivered her baby at home. But I think that having the van had something to do with it too.

In Aug 2016 Renee and Reayah flew out to Virginia to visit some good friends out there, but I compensated for the crazy 2015 globe-trotting by staying local all year.

This past summer (2017) needs to be written down so that I can call it the craziest summer on record. Besides the normal spring soccer coaching with 4 kids playing on 2 different teams, and frequent games 1.5 hours away, Bennah taking driver’s Ed twice a week in town, family reunion on Renee’s side (in Aug), and something going on every single weekend, we decided that we should also buy a house (moved in June) and go to Colorado again (for just over 2 weeks vacation in Sep).

In fact, it was this last very recent trip to Colorado that got me really feeling like I needed to shake this blog awake again. We took 3 days and 2 nights to drive down there and it took 5 days and 4 nights to come back with 9 wonderful intervening nights there at my parents’ place in the mountains. I originally thoughts this entry would be writing about that trip, but I realized some fast-forwarding was needed at least as a crude link in the chain and the Sep 2017 Colorado adventure deserves a post of it’s own. So, that should (theoretically) also be along shortly.

As an interesting teaser for what’s to come… one of the catalysts that convinced me to bite the bullet and get this going again (at least in random spurts) around the 4th anniversary of dormancy, was a beautiful piece of foreshadowed symmetry: Upon our departure from the Denver area we needed to get our van looked at before the long trip back, because there was a new vibration happening that I didn’t like. Father brought back to mind a dear brother who manages a shop in Brighton, CO when I was trying to figure out where I could take it. The reason this brother and shop were somewhere in my mind to begin with: they had done some big repairs to the suburban 5 years ago when we were in the area on our travels back then, and we had an amazing conversation for about 2 hours after the shop was closed one Friday evening. That feels like a lifetime ago.

“Can I have a chocolate covered chocolate?”

(age 2)

“That was the worst fun I ever had.”

(age 7)